It’s been 276 weeks, or 1932 days, or 46368 hours, if you were counting.
Approximately of course. I’m not anal enough to count minutes, but you get the picture – & that’s quite a long time don’t you think?
So, 276 weeks after Mr Hit & Run decided to steal that car, I’m bored. Bored of sitting at home everyday, of not being able to go to work or get anything done due to medication and pain. Bored of daytime TV. Bored of being bored in all honestly. Just bored.
An old School Teacher used to tell me that only boring people get bored. Utter nonsense. I can be called many things, but I doubt boring would be at the top of the list. Yet bored I am.
I miss hearing people laugh, and the sounds of an office. I miss the commute in a strange way. I certainly miss the pay packet at the end of each month. I miss research, & drawing up plans, and managing people, and projects. I miss the creativity. In all truth, I even miss the stress a little bit. Weird.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to keep my hand in since it happened. It takes me 10 times as long to do anything but with perseverance I get there in the end. I’ve taught myself HTML from scratch with the help of a battered old textbook, and expanded my mind with help from books on Eastern medicine, Buddhism and The Tao. I’ve helped friends create or update their CV’s, and spent hours on the phone from my “bed office” advising them on all aspects of life, from business to the very personal bits I’m still not sure I should know. I even tried to go back to work against all recommendations when the boredom got too much, but wasn’t strong enough. Lesson learnt. So instead, I write a lot. I read. I make plans. I need to. If I let myself stop, I may never be able to start again. Just because my body fails me, I don’t want my brain to follow.
Today was one of those days when my head wanted to be “normal”. My mind was screaming at me to get back behind a desk, to fight for something, be creative…make decisions, make money. I wanted to write a sales or marketing script, talk product placement, negotiate a contra-deal or draw up an in-depth performance report. I wanted to be one of those people moaning about missing out on the London sunshine, flustered by a cramped train journey…not realising what it feels like to not be able to feel like an achiever anymore.
My body, on the other hand, was screaming something completely different. It was screaming in pain, tying itself in knots, twisted and torn, tired and failing. I had a couple of hours after returning from my hospital check up this morning where I was unable to move – couldn’t reach for the cup of tea the roomy had left for me, couldn’t move to get my meds.
It was like being two people in one body. I’m so used to feeling like a zombie, not noticing the weather outside my window or even hearing my phone ring, the clarity of my thoughts was a pleasure. But the pain was excrutiating, too much to bear – highlighting that the drugs really do work…and I’m still not ready yet. But it felt so good to want it all again so badly, to realise the passion is still there, no matter how deep its buried under the morphine buzz.
I’ve been here before, and it doesn’t usually last long, so I am making the most of it. Before the exhaustion and listlessness hit again to accompany the pain in their own unique tag team way, I’m starting to look into retraining. I need to keep positive about getting well, and making sure this set back doesn’t ruin things forever.
So I’m sending off for course prospectus’s. I know it needs to be online, and flexible, to fit in around the good and the bad days, the times when I can function, and the hours that I can’t. The Boy thinks its a great idea and I’m excited. I missed out on Uni as I needed to earn money, so maybe this is the chance I couldn’t take back then, maybe this is the silver lining…
I have so many ideas of what I could study. So many things I love to do – so many passions I could be looking for a while. But my mind is made up now, this is something I will do. No matter how long it takes, when I eventually come back…I’m going to come back stronger.