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Boobs, Sex and Stuff…

It’s taken me while to write an update on my PIP implants. I have been meaning to, but haven’t found the right time, until now.

As we already knew, I did have PIP implants, and as I fully suspected, they have ruptured. Well, one has imploded, in fact, and I have large amounts of silicone leaked around my system, which has become trapped in my lymph nodes and is the main reason for the pain and discomfort I’ve been feeling.

In a way, this is a relief. At one point, after being examined by my GP, I was sent directly to the Breast Cancer clinic. I did not pass GO, nor collect my £200. Just headed straight down there, in fear, knowing nothing more than lumps, boobs, terror. I have seen some good, no GREAT, friends struggle through, beat and devastatingly, occasionally succumb to Breast Cancer and I was genuinely scared. It’s hard to explain that feeling. Sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by other women waiting for mammograms and scans, or to talk with the Dr regarding their medication, in differing stages of hope, panic, fear. It’s hard to describe the emotions you go through. You feel desperately sad for these ladies, and their families. You feel guilty, for hoping it’s not going to be you. You feel sorry, and scared, and hopeful, and well, lonely. I didn’t let anyone come with me. I put my friends and family through enough…I just wanted to do this alone. And luckily, for me, the tests showed that it was “just” silicone and some benign fibroadenomas. This is, of course, fantastic news…but boy…is it hard walking back through that waiting room looking at the tens of other women who you already know aren’t so lucky. It’s heart-breaking.

So. Whilst I am really, super lucky that there is no sign of anything life-threatening, we still have the leaky, shitty PIP situation to deal with. The pain hasn’t gone away, and I have golf sized lumps of toxic crap under my armpits. I am tired. I can’t sleep as I can’t get comfortable, I can’t do too much as I get sore, and then my back starts playing up when I don’t do enough. It’s not an ideal situation. But it is fixable, mainly. The Surgeons have assured me I will feel better when I have these implants removed and replaced. Unfortunately, they can’t take out the silicone trapped in my lymphs* so I may still have some discomfort, but the burning sensation, the general nastiness should definitely improve.

Typically, my original Surgeon has retired, so I have had to wait to be seen by someone new. I was offered one Doctor, but after extensive research on the internet and more than a few negative comments, I researched harder and went back to Harley Medical Group, explaining my concerns and asking for some more options. After all this, really, the last thing I want is to have a less than perfect procedure. Even the thought of anything going wrong fills me with dread. Brilliantly, they came back a couple of days later with some other names (both of whom have almost faultless records and glowing reports from happy customers) and I have rearranged to see someone I have full confidence in – although unfortunately, I can’t see him for another few weeks yet. Oh well. Hopefully, the op will be performed soon after that and life will go back to ‘normal’. (Let’s face it. My life is far from normal at the best of times…but at least I’ll be back to having some fun!)

Do you know what though? For someone who has lived with Chronic Pain for so many years, the discomfort I’m in now isn’t the worst bit. I can handle that – I’ve handled worse. It’s the other stuff, that comes with it. I’ve had to start working from home, as it’s easier to work in my dressing gown than to struggle to get dressed and hurt more every day. I’m on pain-killers that make my head fuzzy and cause nausea, which has taken some getting used to (again). I have tried, a couple of times, to socialise, but I’m not at my happiest and I’m not really in the mood to make small talk, to be honest. It ruined what was meant to be a nice weekend away, which we weren’t able to get our money back on…as I’m tired, and therefore I’m grumpy. Snappy like a shark. And I feel crap. I mean, really crap. This whole thing has hit me hard confidence wise. I used to feel sexy. I used to LIKE myself, and my body. Now (like after the accident), I hate it. I don’t like the way I feel, the way I look. I see the lumps and the bumps in the mirror. I see the hurt, and the tiredness. I don’t want to be touched, or looked at, or kissed. The thought of having sex isn’t exactly the the forefront of my mind, to be honest. So it’s not great for a relationship, either.

But luckily for us girls, there are still some men out there who are patient, and kind, and while yes, they’re probably still annoying, there is still hope, which is nice. Especially when the man you’re with spends half his time trying his best to convince you he does still fancy the arse off you. That you’re still beautiful to him.That no matter that you’re not putting out, and a bit of a horrible cow and spend half your life pushing you away he still thinks you’re pretty damn hot actually, and isn’t going anywhere (quite yet).

And then send you things like this, from across the room, while you’re writing a tricky blog post, to remind you he really means it.

Lucky, aren’t I.

So that’s it, for the time being. No improvements, but hell, it could have been a lot worse. Now, we just wait, and try to remember it will all be sorted soon. And do our best not to hate the board of absolute tossers who were told about the defective implants from PIP and didn’t ban then…at least not yet. There’ll be plenty of time to fight that particular fight when I’m better.

Anyway. Please, ladies, do me (and yourselves) a huge favour and remember to look after your boobies. It’s important, and we’re special. My advice would always be to keep them natural if you can, but whatever…make sure that you check them regularly for lumps and bumps and get anything unusual checked out immediately. It’s better to know, either way.

And men? Keep telling your ladies they’re beautiful, even on the dark days when they may not feel it themselves. It makes it all that little bit better…even if we don’t believe you at the time.

Thank you for all your lovely comments and support about this whole fiasco. Your words and kindness really do mean a lot. I mean it when I say I’m lucky….for all sorts of reasons…but most of all, it’s because I feel so blinking loved.

You’re a special bunch you know xx

*They can’t remove the silicone that’s trapped in your lymphs, so they’d have to remove the whole lymph node, which is not a good idea as your arms can swell up like balloons and you’d not be able to fight infection and stuff. Who needs med-school, when you’ve got me, ‘eh?

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No Comments

  • Reply
    J
    March 26, 2012 at 2:37 am

    x

  • Reply
    Susan Perry
    March 26, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Big hugs little lady. You are amazing xx

    • Reply
      JJ
      March 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

      Love you xx

  • Reply
    Mariella
    March 26, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    A raw post and you are certainly a lucky girl.
    Hang in there, recovery is around the corner 🙂

  • Reply
    @carolinekent
    March 28, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    this shouldn’t have happened to you and it’s just not fair, imho. sincerely hope you feel much better asap and that the rules and regulations are hugely overhauled so that this gets sorted and no one else has to go through it.
    you seem patient and articulate and although lucky to have support from friends and boyf, you’re especially lucky to be such a strong and positive person yourself. keep that up 🙂

    • Reply
      JJ
      March 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

      Thanks lovely. I’m lucky, at least I’m getting mine replaced for free…

      Feel even worse for the ladies affected who can’t get this help, and can’t afford to pay for the op themselves. They were still given sub-standard product, even if it was over 6 years ago (guarantee period). Why should they have to keep this toxic crap inside them?? Makes me MAD! x

  • Reply
    Paola Bassanese
    April 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story, I really hope you can go back to “normal” life  after the op, you are extremely brave.

    Hug,
    Paola

    • Reply
      JJ Miller
      April 24, 2012 at 10:37 am

      Thank you Paola, that’s hugely appreciated xx

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