I’ve learned a lot over the last two years.
I’ve learned about the world. I’ve learned about friendships. I’ve learned about myself, and I’ve learned the hard way. But most importantly of all, I’ve learned how to be a Mum. And, if my beautiful, happy, intelligent and loving child is the proof, a pretty good one so far.
I have learned who is true, who is fake, who will answer the phone at 1am in the morning when I need them and who is best avoided due to their toxic ways. I’ve learned what I am capable of. I’ve learned the depths people will sink to when they’re bitter and angry and I’ve learned how to ignore it and get on with living a meaningful life. I’ve learned from mentors and from peers. I’ve learned how to be a better friend. I’ve learned new facts and figures in courses I’ve taken. I’ve learned how to create a world my child will be proud of.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learnt though, in all this time, is that no-one else is, or will ever be, reponsible for my own happiness. You cannot possibly be happy if you are relying on someone else to make you smile. You can’t be happy if you’re trying to be something you’re not to make someone else like you. You cannot be happy if you’re absorbing other people’s negativity. You can’t be happy if you spend your time focusing on what you don’t have, rather than what you do. You can’t be happy when you’re angry. You can’t be happy when comparing yourself to others, or plastering over cracks from your past. You need to process what’s hurt you, forgive, begin to appreciate and move forward with a kind heart and strong mind.
Life isn’t perfect. There is still pain, and bad days, and hard times.
But I spend my days now counting my blessings, focusing on good luck rather than bad. I concentrate on being the best person, and role model for my baby. I practice mindfulness. I give attention to the people who are good to me, and avoid the ones who aren’t. I play. I laugh. I write and I read.
I wake up in the morning and choose to have a good day, surrounded by good people, doing things I love.
And I’m happy. Truly happy.
It’s taken time, but it feels wonderful.
A lesson I’m so glad I finally learned.