When it's over…

Long term readers of TLLWTL will know how happy I was this time last year. OK, so my pain levels were higher than they are now, but I was happy. Ridiculously so. I was that girl floating on clouds and generally being irritating, talking about how wonderful relationships are.

Some of you may even recall a rather smug post I wrote, mentioning how extraordinarily lucky in love I felt.

Unfortunately, things change.

My relationship is difficult right now.

I wanted to move in together from day 1. I wanted the future. I wanted the world. He said he did too. But while I’m spontaneous, free-thinking and fast-paced, he is quite the opposite. Whereas I can make a decision in moments, he takes months.

So by the time we moved in together, his constant delaying, dithering and negativity had started to grate. And now we’re in and should be happy, there is always something else. There is always a problem. Whether it’s bills, or what to watch on TV, or whether we should go out or stay in, we don’t seem to be able to agree on anything.

Now, please don’t for a minute think I am criticising him. I’m not. He’s a lovely man. He is kind and he brings me flowers. He would never cheat. It’s just hard to make two people, who are obviously so very different, fit into one world.

I like to be surrounded by people. He likes to be alone. I want to talk and laugh and share, he wants to relax and be quiet. I like to cuddle and play fight and sprawl over sofas together in a sea of crisps and wine. He wants to sit on the other sofa and watch TV. I crave support and affection and input – he cannot process or show emotion.

Neither of us are right. Neither of us are wrong. But it’s becoming harder to meet in the middle.

I always wanted this to work. But at what price? I can’t remember the last time I looked forward to staying in at night. I can’t remember my friends heard me talk about anything other than how difficult it’s become.

This isn’t my idea of a fabulous relationship. I have friends who are so happy together, it makes me realise what we’re both missing out on. I mean, where are the butterflies? Where are the sparks?

So, now I have a decision to make. Do I follow my own advice from back then or do I continue to try and make this work? Do I sacrifice my own happiness for a while in the hope of keeping him happy? Do I put my life on hold in the hope of getting things back on track?

Or do we cut our losses, stay friends and walk away…

I love him. Really love him. Just not sure that’s enough anymore.

I’m so very confused.

When do you think is the right time to say goodbye?

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  • Reply
    Claire Nelson
    May 5, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Hey missy,

    Always give yourself the oxygen first. You should never sacrifice your happiness, even in the short term. Neither should the other person. You should be able to compromise, and that’s a very different thing to sacrifices. (I say this as someone who was in love, engaged in fact, but I had to sacrifice my future dreams in order to keep him happy. I left. It was the best thing I ever did but it wasn’t easy. Of course, this was me, not you, but just so you know I am not rambling without experience).

    It also sounds like a classic case of extrovert vs introvert. Your boyfriend sounds like an introvert – he gets his energy from being alone, whereas you sound like the extrovert – you require the company of other people. This is a classic clash and one that can be dealt with, but requires a lot of communication, understanding, and patience, in order for it to work for both parties.

    Good luck with whatever you decide. Whatever you choose, let it be the right choice for you, and not for anybody else.


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