London

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.

Long term readers of this blog will know that I used to write a lot about my relationship. Right from the beginning, when things were great, through to the arguments, and eventually…the inevitable break up.

It’s not always that easy to put such personal posts out there. You don’t want to open yourself up too much, or let someone else down. But it’s also helpful to write what you feel sometimes. To get those feelings out in the open, whether they’re good, bad, or indifferent.

Reading back through those old pages isn’t always enjoyable , but it is interesting. To me now, it’s like a window into someone elses soul. I have to re-read certain phrases and ask myself if I really did feel that strongly, that happy, that hurt. And the honest answer is yes. At the time I did. But things change.

I will never be pleased my relationship failed. I cared for him and we spent a long time together. I appreciate him for his help in certain situations. I will never look to wipe out that history. Being with him was just another step towards who I am, and who I will eventually become – and that journey excites me.

However, I am happy now that I am free. Free of the negativity, the angst, the constant battles that get you nowhere. Because the truth is, the man I fell for didn’t exist. He was an illusion. He was the man I was looking for, not the man I ended up with. And I only have myself to blame for that.

I think we all go into relationships with rose tinted glasses on. But when the signs are obvious, when your friends are telling you something isn’t right, when you really don’t connect on many levels but find yourself changing things about yourself so that you “click”, its never going to work.

Eventually, I would love to find my happily-ever-after. I want to wake up next to someone in the morning and smile because I know they’re there. I want to find that man who understands my need for crazy and peace at the same time, who surprises me, who listens, who kisses my nose and tells me I’m beautiful. Of course I want all that.

But my last relationship has taught me that just because you want it badly enough, you can’t make it happen. That chemistry has to be natural, not forced. You cannot change for someone too much, or mould them into the person you wish they would be. It may take years to find the love that is going to stick, or it may be just around the corner. And this time, I’m happy to wait until I stumble across it accidentally. I’m not going to rush it.

For now, I’m happy spending time with my friends, working hard, laughing and dating. Whether it’s unsuitable young men or distinguished silver foxes, cheeky types or sophisticated gents, I am happy to take my time and stop trying to force the issue. The happily-ever-after is out there waiting for me…but until I reach him, I’m just going to enjoy the journey.

It’s about time I had some fun.

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