I recently had dinner with a friend who had moved to London a few months ago. I asked how he was finding it and he admitted that he was struggling. His point basically went that inherently, Londoner’s are lonely people, but that no one wants to admit it and we all suffer for it. Particularly difficult, is being single in London.
I tend to agree with him. My job brings me all sorts of social opportunity. In fact, I have made a career out of making “friends”. Don’t get me wrong, along the way I have made some very genuine friendships, but as I write this, I am struggling to think of the last time someone called me up just to say hi and see how I was doing as oppose to them wanting something from me whether it be my advice, my help, an introduction, a guest list somewhere… you get the picture…
I asked him to elaborate on his point. He said that he was now in a stage in his life that he wanted something more that a one night stand. That he’d gone on awkward dates with girls and kissed them at the end of the night because he was supposed to, not because he really wanted to. Was he being difficult in believing that his dream girl was yet to be found?
No. I replied. I am the same. I am a true Londoner, and with that, on the one hand, comes a Londoners cynicism. It depresses me that I am frequently chatted up by men who make no attempt to hide the fact that they are married. Listen up: just because your wife won’t shag you, doesn’t mean I will. End of.
But then again, I am also a true romantic. For instance I don’t believe in people who cheat because I think if you want to cheat on a person, then you obviously don’t want to be with that person enough. I think that if you are in a relationship, it should be because you really really want to be with that person and no other reason. Perhaps I am being naïve.
“But don’t you ever see these people in relationships, who have settled, and think well… they’re doing okay…should I just try it too…?”
For me, that raised an interesting question: Should we ever settle?
I have plenty of friends who have at one point or another, in my mind, settled. One friend admitted to me that her boyfriend repulsed her and she didn’t want to have sex with him, yet she stayed with him. Another told me that she bit her tongue when she was upset, because she didn’t want to risk losing power in her relationship or appear to care too much. Another told me that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend a week after having moved in with his new one. I know someone who is now getting divorced after two years of marriage because he repeatedly and shamelessly cheated on his bride in that time. Why did he marry her in the first place!? They are the eternal “games” that everyone claims to hate and yet, we all play them.
I was recently in a position where I was involved with someone who I cared about a great deal, and had been friends with for many years, but who was difficult, stubborn and closed. It hurt to give and invest emotionally, to support unconditionally, to have faith in someone and build them up, only to not have it reciprocated when one day the tables were turned and I needed something. One of my friends had asked me “why do you let him treat you like this? You deserve so much better”. And perhaps she was right, but at least I had put my cards on the table. I had tried everything. I did not play games and therefore I could have no regrets. Could she say the same…? Or perhaps I should have played…
Equally, the same applies to careers. Personally, I have never been one to do it for the money. I was honest with myself about what I enjoyed, and I chased that goal hungrily. I would never have a job just to pay the bills. And yet, I have so many friends who do. Today someone called to say she’d accepted a job, “Yeah it’s not what I wanted to do, but they’re paying me”. This attitude amazes me. I know three men, 28, 31 and 33 years old, who categorically hate their jobs. Yet, none of them are brave enough to jump, to leave, to take the necessary risks to make them truly happy and fulfilled because they are scared they will fail.
A philosopher once said that the ultimate goal in life must be happiness. Yet why are so many of us so scared to admit the things we want to make us genuinely, truly happy whether it be in our work or in our relationships with the people we choose to have in our lives?
I read the other day that it is in a Londoner’s nature to always be on the look out for the next best thing that comes along. But does this constant impatience then prevent us from being, so importantly, present in our daily lives?
Again, speaking of his move to London, my friend said, “The people who are doing really well seem to pay for it massively in other areas of their lives”. I agreed with him once more. Right now, I couldn’t be happier with the direction my career is going in. But a few months ago, when this thing, with this person, seemed to be going in such a good direction too, for a fleeting moment I kidded myself that I could have it all. And I have no shame in saying that I want it all. I still do. I want it ALL. But I decided not to settle, and because of that decision, half my life has suffered. This time, the half that really matters… the one with real people in it. Should I have settled…? In career, or in relationship? Sacrifice the success of one for the other? Compromise my moral demands to keep something that wasn’t perfect? Can anyone have it all…? “Never”, another friend of mine had said without hesitation, “There must be balance”. Perhaps she is right….
No, we shouldn’t EVER settle
Knew you’d say that Ryan x
Compelling read. I know the London thing from old, and understand the sentiments of the man almost 100% to the detail. You get to that point. It’s not everyone’s answer, but in my case I left London. For Brighton. Created closer relationships and more dependable, less career-intent people.
Maybe they were people couldn’t afford to go to all the best bars – but who cares, the quality of friendship was greater.
Should we settle for just a level of socially acceptable achievement? Well it seems people just do. Sometimes you just have to.
Comfort is better than discomfort. A cotton cushion isn’t a silk cushion. But it’s a cushion.
So I tend not to be too critical of people who found the need to just settle for basic comfort. Sometimes necessity requires it, and perspective is required. As someone who predominantly refuses to settle, I don’t always understand it, but who am I to judge?
But in many walks of life, it shouldn’t interfere with a desire to aspire to more. But it’s more healthy to have aspirations in small stages. You know what they say about “the faster you rise…” – so certainly in a career context, always aspire, never stop, because we can always be brilliant when our greatest passions kick in – but know your limits, and don’t measure aspiration by ££s.
Thanks Steve. I think it’s a place we all get to at some point between mid twenties/thirties…and I don’t think it’s black and white or there’s right and wrong. All depends on the person, of course. Some people settle and end up being incredibly happy – it works for them. Others would never, ever be happy knowing there might have been something that little bit greater out there for them – the desire to “know” would eventually (in my opinion) destroy the safer option.
I know the writer of this post will be reading these comments with interest. Sometimes comments from strangers can help jog certain things into place and make the picture a little clearer – so appreciate you taking the time to write x
This article has really hit home!
I am currently single having just broken off a brief thing with a guy who was lovely, reliable and ticked all the boxes because we didn’t have that spark.
I quit my job in a job I hated in September, and am still struggling to find a permanent job in the industry that I want, even though I know I could easily settle, and would be well qualified doing something boring like customer services or recruitment.
I am currently procrastinating on twitter and this article has inspired me to finish that damn video for the creative pioneers grad scheme and not to settle!
I don’t think that anyone should completely settle but sometimes we all have to compromise.
You GO girl! What industry are you looking to get in to? I have lots of recruitment contacts so drop me a message if you’d like some help xx
Hey! Looking at getting into creative comms branding/marketing/advertising so am applying for creative pioneers (an internship/grad scheme programme) – just spent last hour or so working on my video *cringe. Any contacts would be greatly appreciated! What’s your email or can I message you on here?
x
I’m with Ryan. Settle = compromise I guess and my approach has always been that there is a world of difference between ‘changing’ and ‘compromising’. If I can explain, currently being single I yearn for company in the evenings and often find myself at friends or in the local pub. If I met someone I REALLY liked I would happily change that behaviour to be with them (because I’d want to) and I’d envisage cooking and dining together, watching movies / TV etc or having people round for dinner. That would be a welcome change. If however I met someone that I liked a lot but not quite enough and they started to request/expect/demand that I spend more time with them then that would just grate and if I gave in to them (for the sake of peace and sex) I would resent the compromise as I would feel I am giving less than willingly which becomes a problem being stacked up for the future. If the fundamental bedrock of ‘wanting to be together’ is there then change becomes natural, almost evolutionary but if the bedrock is weak, compromise becomes a future shouting match ‘and another thing’ subject!
Get where you’re coming from Griff…and really hope that special someone comes along sooner, rather than later for you! In the meantime, keep concentrating on YOU.
I slightly feel that I should put the stick down and pick it up by the other end! One thing I will add though is that a certain person on here has given me the focus I lacked or was missing, so I’ll sign off by just saying Thank You.
There’s ‘not settling’ and then there’s ‘unrealistic expectations’. And then there’s also finding out that you thought was settling is actually pretty quite ok.
Look, I can sling anecdotes left and right, but basically, I found out that some choices I made ended up much better than I thought they would, and some did not work out. The career turns out to be always evolving, taking a job two years ago I thought I would never ever take is the least of the strange turns. Looking back I’d say you never really know what kind of job is settling until you have done something like it.
I do know about long-term relationships, though. That spark? It’s good for 6 months. After that the real question is whether the other person makes you laugh and also checks the boxes like compatibility on sex, religion, money, and having kids. It actually is possible to last a long long time just on deep intimacy and caring, without being swept off your feet. For long-term decisions you have to ask the long-term questions like, in 5 years will this person be there for me if I get a debilitating disease? (Some of us do not have to wait that long to find out, alas.) In 5 years will I still want to have sex with this person, or take a long holiday, and will we be better off in some way?
Yeah, as you know, I am still single. London is indeed tough to crack if you are from somewhere else, often because the expectations of what is great in London are different from what a visitor knows. I thought I had ‘settled’ when I took my tiny flat, now I realize it really really is something else to be able to have it in this area. Same for jobs or partners. London asks different compromises that people from outside are used to, and it feels like settling.
I actually have no gone from “Nope, no smokers please” to “Well, maybe if he only smokes a few a day…” Am I settling and compromising, or realizing what is truly important to me?
You make some excellent points FJ (as usual).
I think the one case that springs to mind for me on “settling” is my Grandparents. Gramps only married my Nan (in all truth) because she was preggers and it’s what you did then…but they learnt to love each other deeply and unconditionally and ended up with a 55 year marriage that had strength like you couldn’t imagine. They realised that what they originally thought was settling, was in fact meeting, and in time realising they were with the love of their life. They were so in love and happy it made my heart melt.
For me – I know I could have “settled” and been married many times by now, but something in me was always looking for a balance that I’d never quite found. However, I think there is a huge difference between settling, and making a wrong decision. For example – if meeting someone who doesn’t tick every single box on your checklist but makes you laugh, cares for you, is there when you truly need it etc is settling…I’m good with that. It’s the staying with someone because you don’t want to be alone, or because you don’t think you’ll find anyone else type settling I’m not OK with.
Guess my point is stop worrying about settling, and just strive for happiness. If you don’t have all that you wanted or expected but are happy anyway – what’s the point in looking for more?